The Reel Life: Ocean's One edition

This week, we're continuing with one of the Reel Life's favorite "dumb criminals" themes. We say "one of" because our absolute favorite dumb criminals theme is "beer-related crimes," but "Heists: They're Not Like In the Movies" is a close second.

In this case, the movie the heist was not like is clearly Ocean's 11, in which a group of 11 criminal masterminds, played by assorted handsome Hollywood A-listers, pull off a complicated theft of $160,000,000 out of the vaults at Bellagio in Las Vegas.

Here's how it works when a not very smart and probably not very handsome person attempts to actually rob Bellagio:

One (1) dude — accompanied by a gun, of course — enters the poker cage at Bellagio and demands money. Then he runs away and tries to steal a vehicle from the valet parking lot. He is immediately surrounded by four police officers, also with guns. There is some shooting, which is exciting in most kinds of movies but is always a cop-out with heists, which are supposed to be cleverer than that. One of the officers and our low-rent Danny Ocean knockoff are brought to the hospital.

The officer, who had a bulletproof vest on, has been released from the hospital; the thief, who did not, is still in treatment.

Anyway, kids, don't try to rob casinos. They are tightly run surveillance states the likes of which we usually associate with drab, jack-booted totalitarian regimes, only with more colorful carpeting, and you won't get away with anything. If you're smart enough to even think about going head-to-head with a Las Vegas megaresort's security system, consider becoming a screenwriter instead.

Get in the fast lane, Grandma, this bingo game is ready to roll!

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