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The Reel Life: Ocean's One edition

19 Mar 2019

This week, we're continuing with one of the Reel Life's favorite "dumb criminals" themes. We say "one of" because our absolute favorite dumb criminals theme is "beer-related crimes," but "Heists: They're Not Like In the Movies" is a close second.

In this case, the movie the heist was not like is clearly Ocean's 11, in which a group of 11 criminal masterminds, played by assorted handsome Hollywood A-listers, pull off a complicated theft of $160,000,000 out of the vaults at Bellagio in Las Vegas.

Here's how it works when a not very smart and probably not very handsome person attempts to actually rob Bellagio:

One (1) dude — accompanied by a gun, of course — enters the poker cage at Bellagio and demands money. Then he runs away and tries to steal a vehicle from the valet parking lot. He is immediately surrounded by four police officers, also with guns. There is some shooting, which is exciting in most kinds of movies but is always a cop-out with heists, which are supposed to be cleverer than that. One of the officers and our low-rent Danny Ocean knockoff are brought to the hospital.

The officer, who had a bulletproof vest on, has been released from the hospital; the thief, who did not, is still in treatment.

Anyway, kids, don't try to rob casinos. They are tightly run surveillance states the likes of which we usually associate with drab, jack-booted totalitarian regimes, only with more colorful carpeting, and you won't get away with anything. If you're smart enough to even think about going head-to-head with a Las Vegas megaresort's security system, consider becoming a screenwriter instead.

Get in the fast lane, Grandma, this bingo game is ready to roll!

It’s getting hard to keep track of all the new games arriving at CryptoSlots, a cryptocurrency casino created by Slotland. Hot on the heels of the launch of the Blazing Wilds slot early this month comes the new Deep Blue slot. For a week, CryptoSlots is giving players up to 37% extra on their deposits to give extra play time in the new undersea playground.

“Ahoy, matey, there’s nothing fishy here . . .” laughed CryptoSlots manager Michael Hilary. “Well, except maybe a few seahorses, sharks and octopuses, that is!”

Deep Blue is a colorful new game with a wide betting range to suit all kinds of players. On this game they can bet as little as one penny on one line or as much as $5 on all 11 paylines for a max bet of $55 per spin.

The Double Starfish symbol is a double wild that can make for a whale of a win.

Deep Blue introductory bonuses
Available 19-25 March 2019 only.

37% deposit bonus
Bonus code: NEWGAME
Min. deposit $25. May be claimed up to 5x per day. Wager: 35x. Valid for new Deep Blue slot only.

20% deposit bonus
Bonus code: EXTRASPINS
Min. deposit $45. May be used up to 2x per day. Wager 35x. Valid for all slots except Jackpot Trigger which is played using tokens won playing slots and video poker.

Cryptoslots uses only cryptocurrency for deposits and withdrawals because it’s fast, safe and transaction fees are lower than any other method. In addition to Bitcoins, Bitcoin Cash and Litecoins, players can now deposit and withdraw in Monero (XMR) as well.

Cryptoslots now has 27 provably fair slots, nine video poker games and one million-dollar jackpot game. CryptoSlots players automatically earn tickets for the casino’s Crypto Lotto when they play slots and video poker. The lotto pays out a minimum of $10,000 every month.
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